The Food Diet

I spoke to a young woman today who was on, let me see if I can remember this, a “High Protein, High Fiber” diet. (Ah. A quick google search indicates that this, apparently is the Livestrong diet.) As restrictive diets go, it’s not too bad. The list of foods is deep and flavorful, and introduces people to important concepts like “whole” and “fresh.”

But it’s a Diet Capital D, and if we know one thing about Diets, it’s that no one sticks to them.

So I am introducing my own special diet. This diet requires zero will power, and you don’t need an expert to tell you how to follow it. I expect to turn up on Oprah and Tyra, and I’m working on the brand image.

It’s called the Food Diet. And what you eat, get ready, is….

Food.

The Would-Michael-Pollan-Or-Your-Great-Grandmother-Recognize-This-As-Food type of food:

Fruit, in the original packaging (i.e. its own rind)
Bread (from the bakery, please, and made today)
Eggs
Butter
Meat (and yes, including Chicken skin, pork chitlins, and marbling.)
Rice
Noodles
Sweets (you heard me)
Snacks (Yes, snacks. Do I look like the type of person who would skip the snacks?)

If it comes in a bag with a lot of writing on it, it’s probably not food. If you can’t combine it with a couple other things to make a third thing it’s probably not food (for instance flour+sugar+eggs+butter=cookies. Try doing that with Flaming Hot Cheetos.). Anything in a box (with a lot of writing on it) that you combine with water or milk to make a third thing is probably not food (for instance, instant potatoes).

For that matter, if it says “instant” it’s not food. I’ve been trying to figure out exactly what is meant by “instant oatmeal.” Not sure how much more instant you get than just regular oatmeal. What are they doing to that stuff that it needs to be labeled “instant?” I’m thinking of starting my own brand of Instant Fruit! (Xanstant Fruit, maybe?) It looks like, um, fruit. Just add chewing.

If it’s in a superfluous package, it’s not food (think McDonald’s apples). Any meal product (as opposed to snack or dessert) that lists sugar or high fructose corn syrup as an ingredient is not food. (For instant, major-label bread.)

You get the idea. You don’t need a list of “acceptable” foods. When you’re on the Food Diet, if it’s food, by the above definition, then you can eat it.

The best thing about this diet is that it means you can eat anything. Potato chips (provided they’re made from sliced potatoes, and cooked in oil.) Popcorn (just throw popcorn in any paper bag, and zap it for under 2 minutes–sorry Orville, ALL popcorn is microwave popcorn). Cookies. Fried chicken. Spaghetti.

As always, eat with moderation. Take time to prepare it. No eating standing up.

That’s it. Tell Oprah she can call my agent.