My immediate family pretty much go along with the crazy lady and her homemade dish detergent, strange-looking sugar, and insistence on parking near lot exits, instead of near store entrances (saves about 40 miles of driving a year, I’m not kidding. Plus I never forget where the car is. It’s waaaaaaay over there.). They don’t have much choice.
But it’s hard to get the wider family to understand that you really mean it when you tell them that you Will Not Put The Canned Cranberry Sauce On The Table. It’s hard to convince your darling mother in law, who wants a 100-lb bag of rice for her Christmas present, that it’s not okay to buy the kids a year’s worth of McDonald’s gift certificates, or that just because our presents are wrapped in reused brown paper bags, it does not mean we don’t have enough money to buy wrapping paper.
One family cohort this year announced that they were tired of cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and were thinking of getting one of those pre-made dinners from the local Safeway. How do I explain to them that I consider the components of this meal to be produced through actual criminal acts, and will no more be able to eat it than if I were an Orthodox Jew presented a pulled pork sandwich with a glass of milk? (Okay, not really, I’ll eat it, but it is, frankly, killing me.)
They’re pretty good with the presents, although we have occasionally received lists so specific that they contained actual serial numbers and price comparisons. One year I insisted that we were not going to have lists, and were simply going to figure out gifts from observance and the heart. I believe this caused several grown men to cry.
It’s easier with the work crowd. They’re all charmed by the homemade gifts, although I suspect there have been an awful lot of 6 ounce jars of plum pickles languishing on shelves over the years, no matter how cute the hand-drawn labels were. I’ve never managed to make a credible fudge, which might actually get consumed. (We’re trying jellies this year–the adventures in jelly making post is coming up later this month, either here or on Mahlzeit. It’s not a pretty story.)
My brother’s just a big kid. I completely do not have the heart to make him a robe rather than buying him a WoW subscription; call me weak.
I’d just as soon forgo the gifts entirely. I like giving them, but I’m not so crazy about getting them. I have enough stuff. Do I really need another sweater?
Get real.
What acts of random realness have driven your family crazy?
While I’m totally on board with most of the “Real” aspects of this blog… I make most of our food from scratch, I make our laundry detergent, etc…. I’ve noticed lately that this blog in general has taken a turn toward sounding really “Holier-then-thou”.
I used to really enjoy getting great ideas about living more simply from this blog because the information was put in a more easy to accept “Look at this cool thing you can do!” kind of way. Lately I feel like the tone is more of “Can you believe that anyone would be so ignorant as to not live like perfect ol’ me?” I can’t imagine that many people would be open to change if they’re made to feel ignorant or less-than when you hand out the information.
Becky, I’m so sorry you feel that way. Believe me it’s not our intention. I think it’s more that we’ve found a community here where, finally, we are not the weirdos. It goes to our heads a little. But I’m perfectly comfortable with your, and others’ comments, explaining where we proselitisers are going wrong–please keep reading and commenting to keep us on track, and tell us how our attempts to live like this can be relevant to *your* life.
What I’m trying to say here is that, just as you don’t want someone like me making you feel inadequate, I’m no longer willing to allow the commercial culture to dictate how I live, or to make me feel like I’m crazy, or, as you say “holier than thou.”
I don’t believe that I can change the nature of society very far, (I can change it a little!) and frankly I’m not sure I want to. I like being able to drive when I want to, and I like having options. I like stupid tv sitcoms, and commercial board games.
But I also believe that without a sustainable lifestyle more attuned to the planet our society is choosing very bad path. I hope you’ll continue to read, and to comment and keep us in line when we get too preachy. That’s an act of random realness, too.
I appreciate your reply. I’m glad to know you didn’t intend to come off that way. Tone can be so tricky online.
Instead of putting down how the other people in your family live their lives, what about just simply saying how you plan to handle the holidays? What about just saying, “Though not many people in my family give homemade gifts, here’s what I’m giving this year.” The other people in your family, who I assume you love, aren’t bad for living their lives the way they do. Sure, it might not be the healthiest or the best for the environment but it’s their life to do with what they want… for better or for worse.
Even though I don’t buy commercial meat, I don’t turn up my nose at the chicken my mom serves when we visit because I want her to feel good about cooking a meal for our family. I love her and she’s caring enough to feed us. My extended family has become more receptive to my more whole foods/simple life ways over the years, which I’m happy about, but in the end it doesn’t bother me that they use paper napkins. I have bigger fish to fry. 😉
I’m happy to keep coming back and reading this blog. I think there’s a wealth of information here. I’m excited about Real Holidays too since I’m HUGE into Christmas. Bring on the popcorn garland and twinkle lights!! :0)
I am so on board with what you’ve written here. In fact, I could have written some of it. And it made me laugh.
My extended family just don’t understand me. My husband and kids just roll with it.
I stopped buying refined sugar at least a decade ago… my late grandmother, on a visit here yonks ago, asked for sugar for her tea. I brought out the sugar container with its evaporated cane juice. “No, I want white sugar,” she said. I had to think for a moment… the brown sugar was in its bag in the pantry!
“Sorry, Grandma, that’s as white as it gets in this house.”
I wish I had solutions to this, but I don’t really – I just know it’s frustrating to feel like you’re trying to accommodate others, especially when it feels like no one seems that inclined to accommodate you in return.While my immediate family is very good about accommodating my real-ness – and I’m reasonably good at accommodating their needs too, I like to think – I run into this problem with extended family as well. I eat mostly vegetarian (a bit of fish, but no other meat) because of a variety of concerns (that I’ve long given up preaching about), but when I’m with extended family, there’s often not a lot of veggie options, if any, and that I should be fine with whatever’s on the table when they happen to “forget” or just want to have a family steak dinner. My family has known I’ve been vegetarian for well over 10 years now, and the disregard for this choice is frustrating (enough so that my husband notices when I’m not being accommodated, and tries to find ways to help me out). I still have no good way around this, though – I just try to manage as best I can and make alternate arrangements as much as possible.
This is what I’m talking about–not that I am holier-than-thou, or that I’m trying to preach, or convert anyone–but that my choices are valid as well. In particular, those I am close to should honor them. We get tired of preaching; sometimes we want evidence that someone has been listening.
Instances to numerous to enumerate here. I’m noted for sheet composting: “she just throws it on the *ground*.”
We put the kibosh on the tons o’ crap from the store presents this year. We have a 6 year old and a 3 year old, so it’s easy to load them down with “stuff.” I instituted the “3 gifts per child for Christmas” rule when my oldest was born, and my family thought I was nuts. (We also do one “family” gift, a board game or DVD or something similar, and stockings that are full of underwear, socks, toothbrushes and toothpaste, hair accessories, crayons, stuff like that.)
“But Christmas is about waking up to tons of presents!” they say. Not to me, and that’s not what I want to instill in my kids, either.
My mother-in-law (who was just introduced to these kids last year – we are a blended family) did not heed the gift memo and went overboard with a bunch of stuff that the kids rarely play with, but she notices every time a particular toy is missing from the kids’ playroom. (And I ended up disappointed, because the gifts she gave me were SO not me, but I feel like I have to showcase them when she’s around to not be rude. And yes, she will see me wearing the necklace she made and say, “Oh, is that the necklace I gave you for Christmas?” Every. Time. I. Wear. It. But no comments if I’m wearing any other jewelry.) This year, we have asked her to get, for ALL of us, a family membership to the local aquarium (with her name on it as well as mine and my husband’s.) That way, it is a gift that we can use all year, it is a fraction of the cost that she would normally spend on all four of us, and since her name is on it, she can use it too. And it doesn’t take up any space!
Not surprisingly, she’s already asked several times for lists for the kids, mentioning that she’s planning on getting them “some other stuff” too. Sigh. (Her “love language” is clearly gifts; mine and my husband’s are time spent together, so that’s not a good combination either.) So I totally get where you are coming from when you want evidence that someone is listening!
We’ve asked other family members to donate to charities, buy a goat or something for a family in Africa, etc. for their gift to us rather than getting us random stuff. (My husband’s brother and his wife bought him a crystal gravy boat last year. Um, really?) They look at us like we are from another planet.
We also went vegan this year, and are forgoing the big family dinner (for more reasons than just that, but it was a contributing factor) and informed anyone that might think about joining us at our house (where anyone was welcome) that we are a meat and dairy-free house, and while they were more than welcome to come, we would not have our holiday ruined by complaining that there isn’t a turkey or real butter or whatever. No matter how many times we explain to certain people in the family what being vegan means, we’re constantly asked if we’ll eat fish or chicken, or why are we “subjecting” our children to this, or why aren’t we making an exception for a holiday? It gets old.
Everyone made plans to travel elsewhere.
I wish I could say I was sad, but there are 364 other days out of the year that we can spend with them, most of which do not revolve around dinner, and I think my husband, my kids, and I deserve to have a holiday that we can look back on without having to remember how out of place we felt.
I have a great family story about the mountains of presents thing. Partially to support the magic, and partially out of sheer stupid luck, we also did a one-present-from-one-person rule for Christmas. Since we’re a small family (just 9 people including all grandmas, aunts, uncles, and kids) this meant a fairly modest haul every year. My son was IN COLLEGE before he learned that people got more than one gift from a single person. He actually called me to tell me about this amazing phenomenon. “Did you know you can get more than one gift from one person?!!!!” Um, yes, yes, I knew that. Ahem. 🙂
I think some of us have been set down among the uber-consumers of this world to offer an alternative view to their “lifestyle” And it often ends in tears….but they (and we) can in the process be made to consider ideas we may not have otherwise. Somebody’s got to do it ;-))
PS waiting for the jellies story. Have had some “adventures” in that area myself.
I think my husband would prefer a WoW subscription over just about anything else … well, maybe that new Diablo that will come out soon. But seriously, I feel like we all scramble and force ourselves to come up with some semblance of a list – even our 7 year old. And the list we feel forced to come up with becomes so outlandish that it requires several small families to pitch in to purchase them (flour mills, guitars, motorcycle parts…).
The last few years we’ve been able to convince the grandparents to cut back on the gift giving if only because a lot of the toys get played with once, then tossed in a box and forgotten about. Instead of having all those unused toys, my husband had the great idea to start a college/education fund for our daughter; so those people that a have set amount to spend can still give if they feel the need to do so.
For years I tried to get my inlaws to do the “one present per person” for us and my kids and though they say they understand and “it’s a great idea” they never live up to doing it, especially for my kids. They shower my kids with presents. I don’t feel right pointing out how little those useless presents get played with, especially when I get looked at accusingly (because clearly I’m not encouraging them to play with those toys enough!?). We try to accomodate and make lists of toys our boys will actually play with and that are more enriching but the lists are only vaguely looked at (despite being asked for).
I’ve stopped trying, to be honest. I end up feeling like I’m being ungrateful and difficult and cheap. I’m doing my best to teach my kids, at least, that made presents are *much* more valuable. They get it, despite little-kid-toy-greed, and that encourages me to keep trying within our family.