We spend a lot of time here at Not Dabbling talking about living mindful lives, eating REAL food, reducing the amount of processed food in our lives, detoxing our lives, living more simply and how to achieve these goals. What we don’t often talk about it how the people around us react to these decisions. This really hit me the other day when someone from an internet show visited for a few days. When he talked about us on the show, he said “Wow, these people are great, I love what they’re doing, but they can really make you feel inadequate”. That was the first time someone had verbalized what I knew other people felt.
We all live in a community, with a web of people around us, usually comprised of friends and family. It can be difficult for those people around us to come to terms with significant lifestyle changes that we make, whether that be eating less processed food or trying to exercise more. I have found that people around me usually have two distinct reactions; they’re either inspired, or they get defensive; they encourage, or they become negative; they build up, or they tear down.
This can be a bit of a problem when the ones tearing down and being negative are those you are closest to. In one way you feel slightly betrayed since they are being negative about something you feel very strongly about. In another way you understand because it’s not something they care about. But if they’re being directly negative about your decisions, not encouraging to you, being negative and pushing back – it’s not healthy – for you or for them.
The truth is that it’s really not your fault if people feel inadequate around you because of you bettering your life, I believe it usually stems from guilt. I think deep down they feel they should make some changes but are unwilling to do so. In their mind, you being able to make some changes makes them look bad.
What do you do about it? Besides not talking about certain things in their presence, there’s not much you can do. I have certain people in my life that I avoid certain topics around. Eventually however, you might have to make the decision about whether or not they can remain in your inner circle. I really believe that those in your close circle need to be people that will accept you for who you are and accept the changes that you make. They should encourage you in your endeavors, even if they don’t agree with what you’re doing. Sometimes people need to be moved back to the acquaintance category so that someone who will support you can come in and take their place.
The farther I get down the road of simplifying my life, leading a mindful life, eating Real food, growing my own, cooking from scratch, and detoxing my life, the less contact I have with some people I used to be close with. As an introvert I do not have many close friends, only a very limited number of people reach that level. I feel the need to surround myself with people that will encourage me and help me achieve my goals in life, and sometimes people are simply unwilling to do that. Right now I’m feeling the pull to trim some of the relationship fat in my life. There are a few relationships that need to be moved bak to the acquaintance level because I simply do not have the time or energy to invest in relationships with people that are negative and defensive around me. I don’t want to spend my time thinking through every single thing I say to make sure I won’t offend them. I want to be able to be open and to talk about things I feel passionate about. I want to spend my time cultivating relationships with people that are good for me mentally.
Of course this is true about many aspects of life, not just people who are doing what we are doing. Whenever you make a significant life change there will be those people around you that will feel like they’ve been left behind. There will be those that will rally around you, and those that sulk in the corner. I believe this is how you know who your true friends are. Just like an apple tree needs pruned to produce the best fruit, often we need to prune some of the old decaying relationships in our lives away so we can truly blossom and produce good fruit. We also need to be mindful that we are not being those that are pushing back in other people’s like and need to accept it when others prune us back to acquaintance levels. (PS and I’d like to especially thank the other ladies that write here at Not Dabbling and all of you, our readers, for being encouraging and providing much needed motivation!)
Have you experienced any pushback from family and friends about your journey down the roads towards REAL food, cooking from scratch, simplifying or other decisions you’ve made?
I can also be found at Chiot’s Run where I blog daily about gardening, cooking, local eating, maple sugaring, and all kinds of stuff. You can also find me at Your Day Magazine, you can follow me on Twitter and on Facebook.
Boy do I ever get pushback. Maybe when I’ve been doing this longer they will just roll their eyes at each other behind my back, but right now my family and friends make no bones about thinking I’m crazy, ridiculous and inconvenient and why can’t I just go along to McDonald’s with everyone else? Yes, I know it comes from their own guilt, especially with my sister, whose children suffer from a myriad of health problems related to their shockingly bad diet. I try not to lecture her, although the temptation is damned near irresistible and I have pulled fistfuls of hair out of my scalp over this. What really upsets me is that I get so much flak for trying to improve my own situation, especially since I, too, suffer from very serious diet related health issues. I’m sorry if I won’t eat that sludge anymore. Sorry if I want to grocery shop differently from the way you do it. My doctors tell me I have less than ten years left and they don’t know how to fix me. I’m going to have to figure it out for myself. Sheesh, can a girl try to save her own life here without having to listen to how I should just shut up and eat fast food like everyone else? Ugh!
Dear me, you seem to have touched a nerve.
Sometimes family can be the worst! We have actually cut ties with certain family members, not necessarily because of food based issues, but because of lifestyle issues that they were having a tough time dealing with. Eventually we decided the emotional drain we were allowing them to have on our lives wasn’t healthy and we nearly severed all ties, except for a very small superficial relationship we maintain with them at family events.
You have to live a righteous life, true to your own principles. I was so happy to see this post today, because on the car on the way home I was composing my own “living by your own rules” post! It must be something in the air.
I’m actually so envious of everyone on here. Here’s my plight: I live in an apartment, I don’t have windows that get good light so I can’t grow anything. I can’t grow anything on my porch. My county is so small no one knows what a community garden is. I can afford to eat fresh during the summer from the Farmer’s Market but everything is too expensive (because it’s a novelty around here) to preserve and can. There are no local dairy and meat sources that treat animals humanely and none feed animals what they are SUPPOSED to be eating, so I don’t eat meat from around here. I have a local egg source and that is it.
I wonder if some of the negativity that you have experienced stems from jealousy? I would never be horrible to someone based on their principles and how they eat, but I do get green-eyed with envy. Sometimes I get so depressed reading blog posts because I know that nowhere in the future will I be able to attain the kind of self-suffiency so many of you have. I hope you all know how incredibly blessed you are to be able to take care of yourselves and your families as you do.
On another note. I do get questioned severely when I tell people that I don’t eat meat from the grocery store or restaurants, but that I will eat wild-caught fish and wild game. They want to know why and how come and that’s weird, blah blah blah. I’ve gotten to the point where I just tell people I’m a vegetarian to spare questions. And if I say I try to eat organic, I’m get a tirade, because people around here (Eastern Kentucky) think that kind of “stuff” is for Californians.
I wish it weren’t in human nature to criticize, but food choices seem to get more criticism than anything.
I feel your pain and I completely understand about the organic thing. I actually live in rural Ohio (down towards WV) and it’s the same here. At my local farmer’s market people look at you like you’re crazy if you ask if they’re organic. (that’s one reason I grow so much of my own)
I’m thankful that a market opened up last year where I can buy good organic produce all year long, but it is a one hour drive each way (2 hrs round trip). I am willing to make the drive a few times a month because eating well is of the highest priority for me. But it does make it difficult.
I am extremely thankful that I have some space to grow some of my own. I remember those days in an apartment and the days here before we purchased the lot next door and most had to be grown in pots on the front porch.
Hopefully someday in your future you find yourself with a little plot of land and beautiful vegetable garden (and maybe even some chickens!). Until then I hope a few locals start to follow the same path and providing good healthy food for the community. Be patient, it only takes a few folks like you to start a movement in your area. Around here, the local food movement has really blossomed in just the last year – it will eventually make it to your community!
Oh – PS – perhaps you can find a few locals interested in gardening and see if you can organize a community garden? I’ve been toying with that idea here since we don’t have any (the photo above is from my sister’s town).
Alyse-
I know what you mean about the tension between “fancy stuff for Californians” and “Look, I just want some honest food.” The funny thing is, I’m sure there’s a good deal of good food around you – it’s just not in the places I’d expect to find it (store, market, etc.)
I have family in Kentucky, and I’m always amazed by the gardens folks have. Not because they’re “getting back to basics,” but because they never left. Maybe you could befriend an elderly person with a garden and offer to help out? Or maybe buy a lamb from a 4H kid in the fall? (You might need to split it with a friend. And yeah, a lot of 4H stuff has the same drugs as the usual stuff, but it’s almost certainly done on a small scale and with a lot of attention.)
I appreciate the suggestions Suzy and Emily.
Gardens are definitely something to behold down here. Everyone is always talking about “gettin’ their gardens in” or “tearin’ down after a good season”. A couple coworkers usually donate extras to me and customers that come in have even given me homemade pork sausage! They are definitely generous around here with their produce. But when summer is gone, I’m stuck with the grocery store again and unfortunately most of the organic produce comes from Argentina, major bummer. Every now and then I get lucky, though.
I’ve never thought of 4H kids. That’s a big thing around here as well, as is the FFA. Now if only I had the space and money to invest in a chest freezer to store half an animal. haha. One bedroom apartments are conducive to space. 😉
I know I sound like I think it’s hopeless. But I do look forward to the day in the future (I’m only 26 after all) when I DO have my own place and I can take care of myself and my environment a lot better. In the meantime, I have all you wonderful people to look up to.
Sadly, I mainly keep to myself.
I try not to involve much of my friends and family into my gardening endeavours. My boyfriend’s mother is a gardener, and my own mother is – so I gush and be nerdy to them, but the rest of my close family and friends aren’t. I spare them my ‘geeky plant-side’ of me, and keep it to squeeing to myself when that first strawberry ripens, or when the plant I transplanted haphazardly reliably rooted and is growing.
I like the way you put that – like an apple tree. Need to prune, yes yes yes.
I get that, too. It’s hard to avoid – because after you’ve chipped away a bit at a time for half a dozen years, you really *are* doing a lot. My best friend and I both read _Animal, Vegetable, Miracle_ and had opposite reactions. I thought it was a bit of a snooze, had no real new information or suggestions, and I couldn’t believe it took 6 adults 6 hours to kill a handful of chickens and turkeys. My friend was overwhelmed almost to tears and felt like giving up on any sort of sustainable living because *who could do all that*??
What we need is an Occupy Safeway movement. 😉
Ove the course of the past year, for various reasons, I’ve found that I really needed new friends. Part of that need was finding people with similar interests. It really nice when you can talk about gardening with a friend without them giving you a confused look. Thankfully, in my area, there seem to be many people who think like I do. Since I’ve given up trying to force relationships with people who didn’t really seem to value my lifestyle, it been much nicer, an I’ve been much less frustrated. Also, I love reading all that you write Susy! I admire you, and you definitely inspire me to do more!
I recently read a quote that fits nicely, “It only takes one negative comment to kill a dream….” While I don’t think any of us necessarily wear our hearts on our sleeves, it can be difficult to deal with negativity toward our chosen lifestyles.I think it’s also discouraging to deal with apathy when you’re in a media-driven realm as we are here on our blogs. We’re all so passionate about the way we live our lives, and we want everyone to feel that same passion as we do.
But when you go to the grocery store and the person behind the register verbally judges you because you want the organic juice they advertised and non-organic “should be just as good because I give that to my grandchildren…”, or when the farmers you talk to mock you for not wanting to use Sevin or Round-up on your crops, or people think you’re just plain nuts for wanting quality food instead of cheap, extruded junk…
… yeah, it’s frustrating.
Hang in there, lady. There are people that “get” you and even support your cause.
I completely understand. I have had digestive/gastrointestinal issues my entire life. It’s only been as an adult where I’ve really researched food and the implications my diet was having on my health. I’ve tried really hard the past few years to change my food to real food, organic food, local grass-fed meats, etc. Luckily, I live where these items are easily available (for the most part). Some of my family and friends understand, but some family just doesn’t get it at all. They get angry or uncomfortable when I don’t want to eat their version of normal food on holidays. They think it’s weird that I order a free-range, organic turkey for Thanksgiving…. They don’t want to eat my “weird food” that I make. It can be frustrating. It’s especially frustrating to me when I see people who also have digestive disorders (or worse, their children do), but they just don’t (or won’t) look at the connection to food and make any changes… Luckily, I have a wonderful husband who loves to eat real food and supports it fully and all these awesome people in the food blogosphere! Hang in there, everyone – it’s worth it!